An Appropriate Return to Form
Something that bothers me about myself is my inability to do something that is very good for me. Case in point this evening would be going through my email inbox and actually responding to people who sent me emails. Sounds simple enough right? Well. Yeah. I have no defense for that. Perhaps there is something...stress inducing that comes with instant communication that is intangible to me. Whatever it is, I continue to fight it, as one might fight windmills.
Something else that resulted from my forcing myself from a comfortable mental rut was the need to type up a new copy of my testimony for an application I was working on. As some might send off a ship with a fine glass of champagne I shall send off the ship of this Blog with my 675 word testimony. May these words be encouraging, challenging, and shed a bit more light on my life.
I became a Christian when I was in 8th grade. My mother and father had just been divorced from each other, for the third time, two years prior. By reckoning now they were divorced in 1999. As a result of that divorce, my mother and two younger siblings, moved from Fresno, CA to Fountain Valley, CA to live with my grandmother. Prior to becoming a Christian much of my life had been quite tumultuous. My young life, even now, I feel bears the scars from many of the things that came of our not having roots in a given place for long, and the ultimate divorce of my parents. From this background my grandmother took me to Wintersburg, where I joined both the SEYO and Jr. High programs. Looking back I can say with certainty that, though things were not easy, God has used a tumultuous past to draw me to him.
It was not long till I went to Mt. Hermon and understood the weight of my sinfulness before Holy God. Though my life was never the same from that point on, I did continue to struggle with many issues. As I grew up into my teenage years, I became disenchanted, disillusioned, angry, and embittered. Though I had confessed my need for Christ and repented of my sin, I continued to easily slide back into a lifestyle that did not want to live and stand on the grace of God. As a result of feeling inadequate as a Christian and as someone who had received a great mercy that I did not deserve, I fell into a depression for much of my freshman and sophomore years of high school. During this period I tried to take my own life out of self-pity, and self-condemnation for knowing all too well how far short of God’s glory I fall. One day, in the playground at Wintersburg, as I wrote what I believed at the time to be my last will, I was struck by a revelation. Perhaps this sounds too mystical for some ears, it sounds mystical to my own. But on that afternoon, I realized what grace was for. I realized why Christ died. And I realized that it was for people just like me. Who felt like failures, who knew they didn’t measure up, who just seemed like they could never pull themselves together, those who could not pierce the thick veil of the inner sanctuary of the temple of God. I realized that it was for everyone who realized how bankrupt they were in themselves and that their efforts to please a Holy God with their own hands were with hands that they could not clean themselves.
Gradually as this knowledge for the last seven or so years has trickled down from cognitive acceptance, to taking root in my heart and soul, I’ve seen just how far the Lord has sanctified me. While not nearly enough, I rejoice when I am forced in times like these to look back. And when I look back I see how faithful he was. And take reassurance in his continued faithfulness. Today I am not all together. In fact I am still dysfunctional and easily tempted off the narrow path.
In the past year I’ve grown in ways I would not have expected. God has blessed me with a full time salaried job and a girlfriend who if nothing else has been a living demonstration of God’s grace and mercy to me. The challenge to me has been continuing to be thankful and content with what he has given me. Another challenging thing for the past year has been dealing with burn out from ministry involvement and also with not seeing my family enough from being involved so much. While my relationship with my family has improved markedly since I am no longer involved in some ministries, my relationships with others have suffered to a degree. Seeking God’s wisdom on how best to serve Him at WPC and at home continues to be a challenge to me.
"Take care lest you forget the LORD your God by not keeping his commandments and his rules and his statutes, which I command you today, lest, when you have eaten and are full and have built good houses and live in them, and when your herds and flocks multiply and your silver and gold is multiplied and all that you have is multiplied, then your heart be lifted up, and you forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery, who led you through the great and terrifying wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water, who brought you water out of the flinty rock, who fed you in the wilderness with manna that your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end. Beware lest you say in your heart, 'My power and the might of my hand have gotten me this wealth.' You shall remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day."
Deuteronomy 8:11-18
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